Saturday, April 15, 2006

Stable Partemple's Urban Pottage

number three in a series of bulb

While soaping up my underarms this morning I couldn't help but notice Dove's new Campaign for Real Beauty advertised on the side of their body wash bottle. Apparently they're pledging £100,000 to educate girls and women on "a wider definition of beauty".

With 90% of females aged 15 to 64 wanting to change at least one aspect of their body, it seems obvious that something needs to be done. However, is Dove's plan the best one? Some of the studies would seem to disagree...

Research tells us that solidarity in groups is best promoted when that group has a common cause. A 2003 study finds that audiences dislike young, attractive actresses. The obvious solution is for Dove to spend its money on nose and boob jobs for an elite squad of eminently-hateable young women. With an average breast enhancement costing £6000 and a new nose just £4500 that's nine surgically superior uber-femmes for a nation of saggy housewives to scorn. Sacrifice one of our troupe and you could have a coach to take them around the country, thrusting their silicone assets in mumsy faces.

The net result would be an upsurge of vitriol and bile, bringing our women together and encouraging them to get on with whatever it was they were doing before Dove suggested they should have a wash and a good moan.

Stable Partemple is a para-futurologist at the Think Special watchdog sub-committee. He lives in London with himself.


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