Sunday, January 22, 2006


Pimping is high fashion right now. Whether you're Lil Jon getting crunk, or it's your ride that's pimped, every boy wants to grow up to mesmerise bitches with his gem-encrusted pimp goblet. It's cool to pimp, and it's doubly cool to have your ho's around you, slapping them up when necessary.

Yet it's still decidedly uncool to be caught making the most of the slut-tastic riches this heavy pimping has to offer; or, at least, it is for the discerning gent that fancies a bit of twink with his breakfast. Mark Oaten, former Lib-Dem leadership challenger, quit frontline politics this weekend amid the news that he had a six-month affair with a 23-year-old rent boy. Mister Oaten, pictured here as a dangerous and manipulative Svengali, has already proved his virility by siring two children, albeit unfashionably with the same woman.

"Friends said they were stunned at the revelations ... three-in-a-bed sex and asking the prostitute to dress up in soccer kit"

Even the most fundamentalist of Christians would notice the bleak double-standard at play here. Want to be like 50 Cent, kids? Fine, you're a budding fashionista. But woe betide if you'd prefer to dip your pimp stick into some barely-legal manflesh of the sort that would make George Duroy salivate. Agree with me that this is a travesty? Then fax your local MP and tell them you want them to sleep with a rent boy. Only this way will we change the blatant prejudice that pervades the fashion and music industries.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Odd bed-fellows

We all remember the Trinidad & Tobago Express' most excellent coverage of the Englishwoman who married a dolphin earlier this month. Well, the Japanese are well known for wanting to go just one better, and so I'm pleased to re-report that this week a Japanese man tied the electronic knot with a tiny shiny crimson robot. Victor, as the man is known as, that being his name, told reporters that the diminutive bluetooth-bade biped is the "perfect bedfellow", and that his 90 minute lithium-ion battery gives him "plenty of stamina".

The ceremony, held in a secret location believed to be close to JVC's headquarters in balmy Yokohama-city, is rumoured to form the central plotline to a new Spielberg production that begins filming later this year.

Friday, January 06, 2006


You have to feel sorry for Baptists, always coming up against society's smutty collective mind when they're only trying to do good and convert a lost soul.

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