God Loves ChoiceHaving hitched up the skeletal horses, Dante's Handcart has travelled to beautiful Michigan and brings this latest entry from sunny Kalamazoo. Peering through their RayBans, the Zealot Spotters amongst us have been excited to see the sheer quantity of churches in the area. These buildings, often resembling call centres, animal feed stores or the head-office of some regional telecoms company, slop happily in the landscape, with faux-friendly signs proclaiming their affiliation and, usually, some gloried epithet.
While consumers are generally happy with economical competition and increased choice, worry-warts at Dante's Handcart are more than a little concerned, like half-stoned college students rewiring a toaster, that as each divisional ecclesiastical slice scrambles for a unique selling point some are going to be left holding a jugfull of wank, as they say in Sunday School. Old favourites like "God Hates Fags" and "Jesus Could Do Better Than Your Mom" have long been adopted by old(ish)-skool fundamentalists, leaving meagre pickings for Lord-fearing upstarts.
Lest the US courts face pandemoniumm as pastors turn on each other in legal battles over copyright and primacy, leaving little-to-no room for fat people to sue fast food pimps for their cholesterol, we suggest a rolling hate register of anti-minority protests. Churches would be allotted one theme for a 3 to 6 month period, after which time themes would cycle. A pleasant lemon-scented and individually wrapped for your convenience side-product would be that different religious communities would learn about each other in the spirit of open-minded acceptance.