Goo goo g' joobIconic rap-putz Jay-Z left me an awfully long voicemail this morning. In amongst the wheedling, cajoling and general begging for me to lapdance for him, I could make out some sort of crazed mumbling about declining numbers of walrus. Now, here in my World Watch Tower several miles above the upper-left corner of the globe, I can see he was right to be worried.
Several news sources have confirmed what my telescope tells me - that the Atlantic walrus, famed for its sexually-potent tusks and long the mascot of Elle MacPherson, has diminished until some worried bastards believe there only to be five left. Of that five, with a 40/60 gender split, one female is known to be infertile and at least one male believed homosexual or at least bi-curious. Dr Andrew Trites, bearded, made the following statement:
"We're concerned that the population is low [but] global warming is not the culprit"
Trites, previously famous for sitting next to someone on a bus who had a moulded polypropylene groin and offered to show it to him for a dollar, has not contacted us to make any useful comment, an act that can only count against him at this time.
Sources close to Dante's Handcart have instead revealed, exclusively, that celebrity walrus-human symbiotes are being "called home" to replenish the dwindling stud stock. These genetically engineered half-man, half-walrus chimera were the result of an ill-fated 1950s tryst between Russian biologists and British zoologists, and have in many cases reached dizzying heights of power due to their advanced mammalian brains. We suggest that avid readers might keep their eyes open to notable decision-makers taking a sudden step backwards from their responsibilities, and who also might bear uncanny resemblance to our Arctic friends.