Sunday, May 07, 2006

Hair of the (horn) dog

Amateur occultist, Dieter Palestine, scrawls:

Chrissy-boy, you sly-one. My sweet lady friend she says my groin-girder ain't shown off to his best advantage, she wants I should get the Mach 3 a slip-sliding where the crown jewels sway. Help a fella out, what's the best way to prune the poker?

Well, Dieter, just for you I jotted down a few notes while ladling piss out of my handbag this morning. Excuse the stains.

Even the shittiest of Boney M fans knows that a freshly-shawn crotch is considered de rigeur in polite society. Once upon a time it was the pubes that separated man from boy, but if there's one thing that all those foetus models have taught it's that grotesquely underexagerating your age is this seasons' gotta-gotta.

First off, take some 'before' photos for your MySpace profile. Remember, this is only fashionable if people know about it - otherwise you're just a lonely guy with cold nuts. Crank up the central heating a notch and apply a thin layer of shaving cream and/or gel. With a fresh razor and holding the skin taught, carefully swipe off the hairs, rinsing often. Afterwards - and with a liberal hand - slap on a couple of coats of soothing balm. Now take your 'after' photos.

Some dudes complain about their newly-nude boy boulders sticking to their inside-thighs; if this is the case with you, sailor, then might I suggest some tooty leather testicle stirrups (NSFW). These sexy straps will keep the scrotum elevated, separated and isolated, with the handy side-effect of making you appear permanently distended.

Today's 'kuKast is in your honour, Dieter.

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At 11:43 am, Blogger Adrian said...

What was that?

At 4:30 pm, Blogger Chris said...

Think of it as a Pubic Service Announcement.


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