Dante's Handcart

Virulent Violence

While quietly urinating in the magazine aisle of Borders the other day, I couldn't help but browse through a copy of Ebola Monthly (free celebrity madam with issue one; normal price £8.95). I say I "couldn't help", it's not like there were armed guards or anything, it's just a turn of phrase like "clap wankered" and "bitchin' like a marmoset". Anyhow, what should drop out but a free-as-in-gratis issue of GQ (aka softcore for softlads). The jaunty photo of a balding, moustache-clad prancing man in a fetching red lycra leotard drew me in...

...only to find Respect MP George "Hermione" Galloway claiming that the assassination of HRH Tony Blair would be "morally justified". The vaginaless politico, who claims to find the British PM "deeply repugnant" and is famous for bedding Greeks (who are anecdotally credited with the invention of gayness), later went on to grumble that he would report any plot he knew about "to the authorities". At this point it is unknown whether George was referring to the police or to Clare Spottiswoode, non-executive Director of the Biofuels Corporation plc, known for being something of an authority in Gas Regulation.

Reeling with shock, I stumbled into the in-store coffee shack to settle myself. Imagine my surprise to find a thinly veiled threat at the bottom of my otherwise lovely receipt.

"just one won't HURT YOU!!!"

With violence lurking in every mochachino and behind the psychotic pate of every maverick politician, is it any surprise that the government would like to stencil a barcode into our cheeks and catalogue us by bowel size? I foresee a wave of aggression sweeping the blogosphere. Try telling me otherwise and I'll give you a thick ear.

posted by Chris @ 4:56 pm