Dante's Handcart

Here at Dante's Handcart we are 105% against doing a sex-wee in the face of a tiny child. So you can imagine that, if there was such a terrible thing, we would be at the front of any ordered queue to point a finger of deathly blame in the faces of the men-pervs and lady-beasts that might do it. And then we'd go back about our daily lives, washing our cars, pre-moistening the backs of stamps and trundling idly through the supermarket.

But wait. Wait. WAIT. What if we told you that the supermarket, long a place for children to dance and skip and experiencing 20% rises in beer sales in both the Czech Republic and Hungary, was in fact a growing arena for pro-paedo coddling of the young. What if we blew the cover of a series of "it's our little secret" names and slogans lacing the products facing our boys and girls over the breakfast nook and in their packed lunches.

Seen to the right is a popular American youth-snack, branded with a name commonly assumed by perverts of the male gender. Is this the kind of "friendly face" you want your offspring to oggle during their noonday snack? The jaundiced character on the packaging gestures crudely to his crotch, casting a look of depraved joy up to the blatant number 6 - a number which is also used to describe the age of a six year old child.

On the left, in a photo also taken by Dante's Handcart imagespies, is the blurb on the back of a carton of milk. Think about it, this blurb could be facing your child's eyes while he or she or it consumes an otherwise healthy breakfast of sugared cereal hoops. Pay particular, horrified attention to the final line:

"But don't tell anyone!"

This is a well-known cajole-cum-threat of the pervert. Witness also the shady appearance of the cartoon character, sporting his identity-concealing dark glasses and hat and happily espousing the "cool games" any child who follows him can join in with.

Take care of your children, ladies and gentlemen. Watch them like hawks, examine their food and glossy magazines for signs of perversion or tampering. Stroke their hair and encourage them to be violent toward strangers. After all, it takes a whole nine months to make a replacement.

The law-lords at Dante's Handcart would like to make perfectly clear that no implication is intended that these or any product, supermarket or pervert might intend harm, sexual or otherwise, to a child or child-like animal. Assumptions otherwise are your own filthy imagination, and you should probably report yourself to the appropriate authorities before you molest someone or something.