Friday, July 28, 2006

Kicking up an N*Stink

Far be it from the muso-queer spotters here at Dante's Handcart to jump on the proverbial bandwagon, but the slightly lubed news that N*Sync's oh-but-we-all-guessed-ages-ago highlighted pop hooligan Lance Bass has emerged from the closet as an out & proud homosexual demands reporting.

"But why?" we hear you giggle, coquettishly, like so many pleat-skirted Japanese schoolgirls fresh from those hentai magazines you & your cousin found under your dad's bed. "Surely his sexuality is his own business and of no interest to us?" And obviously you're right. Except that in this case, our sources tell us Bass' bottom-fancying revelation might have unhinged an important piece of the internet.

While the boyband fans foam at their collectively screaming mouths, the emo kiddies are doing some screaming of their own - only this time because art-photo-friendly gloss gallery Myspace has been sporadically offline since last weekend. Government spokespeople have called for calm amongst the 16-24 demographic, and denied that there is a need to stockpile hair product, hooded clothing and photographs of yourself from a variety of dubiously-flattering angles.

Is it too much to assume that the gay in N*Sync and Myspace going down the sink are devilishly connected? Our hype-monkeys don't think it is. In fact, currently being run up the paranoia pole is the idea that the combined masturbation of gleeful gay men together with the frothing of slash authors has created some sort of super-heated electromagnetic pulse, responsible for scything Myspace from the face of the net.

The only solution, it would seem, would for all non-heterosexual popstars to either live permanently in the closet or accept a life in industries such as hairdressing, airline stewardship or VCR repair (all traditionally "gay friendly"). Only in this way can we prevent pipe-jamming calamity that next time might decimate an even more important site; online banking, for instance, or that one where all the hamsters dance.

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